Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I faked an abortion last night.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
