Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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