The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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