I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
