If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Randomize
