our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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