I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
