Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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