She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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