I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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