yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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