Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
