and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
