i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
