oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
never play flip cup with pint glasses
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
