We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
