Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
