how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
