cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
