Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
birth control should be required to get into college
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
