I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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