My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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