just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
