his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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