im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
