Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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