Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
