Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Randomize
