What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
