the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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