I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
