i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
