somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I wear drunk well.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
