How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
