haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
