thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
