I want to make a zoo with you.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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