FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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