Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
