seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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