Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
