Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i think i scared a bird with my dick
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
