i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
