Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
