I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
birth control should be required to get into college
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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