Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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