How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
