Dude my mom stole all your condoms
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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