areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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