Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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