I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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