i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
